Pain Isn't Pleasure

Arrival from AZ docs

Misery or Joy? I finally got every little-->to HUGE tests you could imagine. Many that even hurt. So that I could find out why my whole body, my joints and in between KILLED.

We went thru it, 10 days hospitalized for it. Month and a half later with it not calming at all, but worsening, I went BACK to my hospital in Phoenix (Mayo) to shove the rest of the testing in to finally make more sense.

Then I watched myself for months go thru memory pullbacks, snappiness, extreme emotional wheel from having to deal with being "well" after my 3rd brain surgery, for basically 2 great weeks-then this all began to hit. I was stuck on my "why God's" and "perhaps He just dropped me from His list, perhaps I will His to...." but there is no answer in that. Everyone down to my amazing, precious brother could tell me that-and I had prayed for years for Him to finally except Him. Didn't realize God formed THIS type of pain to draw amazing souls like my brother. That is what got me to step back and see it from a different spectrum. We all step into our life figuring out our timing during certain trials to bring people to Jesus-when in reality-that could have zero to do with it, or be a step, but not the final call for someone to accept Him. It takes others things after--it takes His timing His plan. Not ours. So with knowing that with such a quick slap of reality--I realize pain can be pleasure when you see what this chaos can do.

I am now on Cymbalta, and a pain patch to slowly come off of next week, and a pain med to go onto. I get about 2, sometimes 3 days going good-then down for at least 7-10. I have it at an extreme case right now still. So it will take time, learning more, and adjusting to it all-with fall backs. As for this isn't a ME life. Being so slow, not active. I am one who flies all over, have fun-reach out, gifts for family, Bible studies.... but now I have to juggle all on what I CAN DO, and for how long. Just amazes me. Feels like I aged quick. Sure am thankful this all happened before my friend Jason Mitchener passed away. I visited him so often in his tight, permanent nurse room for all his illnesses. As for he had a very silent life-unable to go anywhere except one special thing-planned way ahead, once a year. So I am thankful I was useful then, when I could drive, my body didn't kill me. Jesus does work wonders. 

God bless you all. Know He has reason and love for you.

The pain isn't pleasure today-but when you know you've done good for others elsewhere-then you know you are blessed thru it all.

In His Love,

Heather

Alive

I can gratefully thank Jesus for having more and more plans for me... as for He is why I am still alive today.
I have encountered so much in life, more than a regular, now 33 year would have. Most people when they hear what I've been going thru medically, they instantly think I am in my late 40's, early 50's. Then with everything else in life as well, both all in my own hands, and in others-I do look ancient. But I AM so thankful I am alive.
They are amazing stories to be able to share. Not dwell upon. My biggest one will always be, to me, how my ex beat me right after my first brain surgery-but had he not, I never would have went running looking for Jesus during all the following chaos in my life. I wouldn't have been popping so many of my Phenobarbital-even while searching for Jesus and jamming hard to what is known as popular Christian music-blasted and screaming it at the top of my lungs driving. Yet, I really was trying to find Jesus-just in a really hurt, and confused way. Numbing that pain of my ex beating me, confusion on what to do with my 1 1/2 year old, life, support, and epilepsy-now addiction. It took my overdosing, near death... to realize there is MORE to life. To ask HIM for help. Give my life to HIM to guide.
All of my brain surgeries will always be amazing in my heart-but the topper was this third and LAST one this past February. It was just amazing. The world whom people I didn't even know were praying. People I barely knew were sending cards, gifts, calling, texting, messaging on Facebook and twitter. Will never be forgotten. God works miracles. Then to have been the amazing-AWAKE brain surgery. Now my neurosurgeon knew, I was one in a million that would go for it, and be right for it. Granted, it took three times for him to realize I was that laid back... but it was very much worth it. And it was amazing to live thru-be awake for, to remember.
Now with having epilepsy, for some odd reason I have been so called "blessed" with the craziest, some times really creepy very long term memory- that I sometimes would like to go in for a fourth brain surgery to have taken out. It isn't just a "thought" it is real--it is true memories-both good and bad- that a remember ALL THE TIME. They just are confirmed by people with normal brain, who are shocked that it comes so easy to me-in full remembrance, when they really have to search their memory logs....which is normal. May sound blissful, can be very aggravating in time!
And with all the times I was living on the edge, I was realizing that I was being "talked" to the whole time by our Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ. Would kindly tap me on the shoulders when doing so wrong. Allow my car to, yes, flip 3 times down a freeway-off to see this guy who kept following me in my life everywhere, to continue a relationship that never should have started.... I was leaving my ex at that time for cheating on me, yes, but hadn't yet completely. And he introduced himself for weeks as "single" .. even change the look of "his" home--until she rolled back into town--then he gave me a low down. And how first he was going to divorce her-then in time showed he was never. And I saw why-she had the perfect job for him. And that was sad. God made sure I didn't get up there when he located me in San Diego-to "tell him, at just lunch, no more visits" cause God knew his plans. And God was right. I called with whiplash-and a completely totaled Tercel-from rolling it 3 times down the 78 freeway. And he was angry I was not making it-as for he thought-even with my prewarning-we'd be making love in the hotel he reserved.
It is times like this that shock-but amaze me. And I sit here today loved by God, and seizure free-from walking close with Him. His plans are in HIS TIME, and are amazing. I have lived so many places where memories stick-and with epilepsy, I love, and connect with music. I used to seize with music at certain times-I no longer do!!! But I will always have deep memories of where I was, what year, what was going on-to all music of all type. And sadly to say-because I love so much music, after my ex beat me, I can recall so many songs that I overdosed to, and so many that I even recall bawling right after he beat me-crying down Killeen's roads I could barely see. The one down side to music, and memory.
Where memory can just be frightening. I am glad I remember all my friends-it just is amazing I remember ever detail of it too-3 times less brain. Kind of gets spooky.


Blessings to you all!!


Heather J Siebens

1 Corinthians 2: 9
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
     and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
     for those who love Him."
1 John 5: 14
And we can be confident that He will listen to us whenever we ask Him for anything in HIS WILL

AMAZING DAY..... JUST CAN SAY- PRAISE YOU JESUS!!

I wound up having weird seizures throughout the night. That is always blissful, when they can see the seizure-before you know!! Then come rushing in as if you are about to die!! Perfect time early, early morning!! But any way-is a great way... thru HIM!

They came to talk. I was so blessed because my head was wakened by my nurse who had to give me a morning pill after all the chaos earlier, and check my BP etc before her shift ended. I woke up without a head THROB! Thank you all for your prayers!! Just after I was able to use the bathroom, I was up for the rest of the morning at 7:10-- in time to see my neurosurgeon come in thrilled with all going on.

He had them run that brain stimulation testing--BIG reason for all the depth wires in my brain. And it was to look at language-both reading/comprehending and very much able to read, fluently still. While they shut different parts off more... I had one odd reaction-nothing big... but my mind was all in tact, understanding, and knowing the words etc,,, but a flashing light would go off in my upper peripheral vision. Then one other at the end slowed some concentration... but otherwise ALL IS CLEAR that they are concerned about, to take out!

This has always been uncomfortable first having this first electrode surgery-- as for things in your brain is not normal.. but thru all your kind words, PRAYERS, and love-- I had an awesome day today!! Hardly any pain... to God be the Glory always. He knows the time-HIS TIME. And I sure praise Him.

They always want a couple more seizures for surgery-but they have so many of mine that it is a weird blessing. So few more nights of this wire stuff... then they will be resecting!! AMEN!

Love you all! All of you have been praying since Jan, 2009!!!! WOW--it is finally HERE! AMEN!!! I even got an awesome text message from a dear soul in Canada who somehow found out about me!! WOW!! God works wonders EVERY DAY IN OUR LIVES!! I am so grateful to have found Him and always stick to Him. Not regret any of what I went thru, or go thru-- as for I found Him, clung to Him, and in deep love with Him--watching Him work all different miracles thru every challenge! All worth it every moment. He is God-- God is GOOOOOOD!! AMEN!!

In His Love,

Heather Siebens @AliveinMe @EpilepsyCures
480-717-0609 (cell)
480-342-0511 (my room)
Mayo Hospital
5777 E Mayo Blvd
(RM 5W-11)
Phoenix, AZ 85054

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Wires in, on and Brain OUT !! from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Blessings ALL!!

Day 6 - Heather's Journey Continues...

The weekend has arrived, but to Heather the days are beginning to run together. She usually keeps the lights off and the shades pulled to minimize her headache activity. It seems to me that she is beginning to get anxious for the pain to lighten up. Who would blame her! She also is complaining of a few issues that begin to occur when you are in bed and not moving for so long. But she remains strong, positive and motivated to do everything possible to make this surgery as much of a success as possible.
Today she was visited by a number of friends and relatives...When I arrived the room was full of flowers, cards, books, stuffed animals...she is fortunate to have so many people that love her..I know it helps to have people visit to pass the time and provide encouragement..but can cause headaches to increase..but don't be fooled, she is a trooper and would never pass up the opportunity to spend time with all!
Please pray for her as the Dr's begin to remove more of her meds and work to begin their testing...I hate to think of her having seizures, but I know this is a required step..so she is in the hands of Jesus. I know He will watch over her and protect her during these difficult days. Also..please continue to pray for her to be delivered from so much pain. I just got a text from her saying she is throwing up again due to the pain...I feel lost and don't know what to do other than lean on Jesus and all of you..she needs your prayers and we thank Jesus in advance for listening to the prayers you are lifting up on her behalf.
I know tomorrow will be another day of visitors..I hope it does not stress her to much. Please watch the videos Heather has been posting..she loves sharing pictures and music which are meaningful in her life. I know it is her prayer that through her life and the life of our family, others will discover the wonders of a life in Jesus..and even through her pain..she is doing her best to further His kingdom.
I couldn't love her more..or be more proud.


May you all have a blessed Sunday celebrating our Savior!