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| Arrival from AZ docs |
Misery or Joy? I finally got every little-->to HUGE tests you could imagine. Many that even hurt. So that I could find out why my whole body, my joints and in between KILLED.
We went thru it, 10 days hospitalized for it. Month and a half later with it not calming at all, but worsening, I went BACK to my hospital in Phoenix (Mayo) to shove the rest of the testing in to finally make more sense.
Then I watched myself for months go thru memory pullbacks, snappiness, extreme emotional wheel from having to deal with being "well" after my 3rd brain surgery, for basically 2 great weeks-then this all began to hit. I was stuck on my "why God's" and "perhaps He just dropped me from His list, perhaps I will His to...." but there is no answer in that. Everyone down to my amazing, precious brother could tell me that-and I had prayed for years for Him to finally except Him. Didn't realize God formed THIS type of pain to draw amazing souls like my brother. That is what got me to step back and see it from a different spectrum. We all step into our life figuring out our timing during certain trials to bring people to Jesus-when in reality-that could have zero to do with it, or be a step, but not the final call for someone to accept Him. It takes others things after--it takes His timing His plan. Not ours. So with knowing that with such a quick slap of reality--I realize pain can be pleasure when you see what this chaos can do.
I am now on Cymbalta, and a pain patch to slowly come off of next week, and a pain med to go onto. I get about 2, sometimes 3 days going good-then down for at least 7-10. I have it at an extreme case right now still. So it will take time, learning more, and adjusting to it all-with fall backs. As for this isn't a ME life. Being so slow, not active. I am one who flies all over, have fun-reach out, gifts for family, Bible studies.... but now I have to juggle all on what I CAN DO, and for how long. Just amazes me. Feels like I aged quick. Sure am thankful this all happened before my friend Jason Mitchener passed away. I visited him so often in his tight, permanent nurse room for all his illnesses. As for he had a very silent life-unable to go anywhere except one special thing-planned way ahead, once a year. So I am thankful I was useful then, when I could drive, my body didn't kill me. Jesus does work wonders.
God bless you all. Know He has reason and love for you.
The pain isn't pleasure today-but when you know you've done good for others elsewhere-then you know you are blessed thru it all.
In His Love,
Heather
